And so it returns. That niggling ache in my right-foot little toe. A strain when I'm walking. A tightness around my lower back and then - just as I stretch or twist - a sudden sharpness of pain. Sciatica has returned, a deep, throbbing ache in my leg.
My back seems mostly fine - indeed, as the pain grew, I was at the gym exercising.
Deadlifts are supposed to be good for the back. I'll keep exercising, I thought - the pain is temporary. That woman over there is also doing deadlifts, and with a heavier weight than me. I'll keep exercising. No pain, no gain. A foolish notion, but one which gripped me just as I kept exercising. Then on to shoulder presses - see, no pain there. Just a little wobble, but the arms are fine, the shoulders are burning in just the right way. No pain, no gain.
A lot of pain, in fact, and for what gain? I showered, dressed, got into the car. Drove to the supermarket. Walked round Sainsbury's - walked is the wrong word. Limped. Dragged my right leg behind me as I shuffled. Forgot to buy everything I had planned to, distracted by the pain.
Somehow, through it all, I kept telling myself that I'd be back in the gym the next day, to see my personal trainer, to talk it over and do some useful stretches. That was another foolish thought, and I had to cancel.
Waking up in pain is not fun. Lying in bed, wondering how on earth I'm going to get comfortable again. How can lying flat be so painful? Maybe if I move my leg just so... or this way... or maybe not. What painkillers do I still have left? Ipuprofen doesn't cut it; codeine is much more effective but I'm out of that. I fear I'll be back on amitriptyline - or rather, I fear coming off amitriptyline in the future; the withdrawal nightmares were terrifying.
The sciatic nerve is the longest in the body, running from the base of the spine all the way to the little toe. It runs close to the bone; there's no rubbing or massage or heat which can penetrate the pain. I can only hope that all the exercises I have been doing over the past couple of years will help me recover more quickly this time around. Walking is still very painful. Sitting is less painful this time, although as I type this I can feel my toe, calf and hamstring twitching like an over-eager child. I was half-jokingly looking at walking sticks online today. I've made an appointment to see the doctor, but will have to wait two weeks for the privilege. I can work from home whenever I want, though I couldn't really achieve very much by doing so.
So, here I am again. In pain. Wondering how long it will last. Wondering how I will handle the pain, handle the stress of it, handle the loneliness of it. Wish me luck.